Parenting Connoisseur Pillows

'Before you return Principal Harris's phone call, I would like to remind you that having a 'living' dependant is an excellent tax deduction.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Growth Charts

I love my family!

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Crying baby

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Early childhood development

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

Lemming mothers

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"My first Father's day!"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

'What are you in for?'

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?