Parental Humor Appreciator Pillows

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

'When it comes to the children I believe in light-touch regulation.'

'I can't talk now Kevin. I'm under house arrest.'

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

"You don't need those glasses. Life is already in 3-D."

'Mum, I've dropped my ice-cream...'

'Get a job!? Dude, your daughter and I are working fulltime trying to get you a grandchild!'

"He made me promise I'd never mistreat you. Then he made me sit and listen to three house of dad rock."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

Official Team Cap With Beard

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

"Open up for the choo-choo train!"

Ultra Sound/Downloading.

A Mom's Purse

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

"Wow, yours is already climbing your beard!"

"I'd like a note excusing me from my wife's childbirth!"