Parental Humor Appreciator Pillows

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

'When it comes to the children I believe in light-touch regulation.'

'I can't talk now Kevin. I'm under house arrest.'

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

"You don't need those glasses. Life is already in 3-D."

'Mum, I've dropped my ice-cream...'

'Get a job!? Dude, your daughter and I are working fulltime trying to get you a grandchild!'

"He made me promise I'd never mistreat you. Then he made me sit and listen to three house of dad rock."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

Sperm Whale.

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

Official Team Cap With Beard

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Mom dwarves.

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"Open up for the choo-choo train!"

Ultra Sound/Downloading.

A Mom's Purse

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"