Parental Guidance Scout Gifts

"Aaack! How did an unscheduled hour get on your calendar? This will not look good on your college application."

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Father

"Be afraid to try new things!"

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

Soccer Moms

Exam Room.

Ask your mother computer.

"Better safe than sorry, son."

'I'm getting a little concerned about Timmy. He hasn't wormed his way out of anything all semester.'

'Obviously, the school board is giving an unfair advantage to gifted students.'

"Your inability to turn off your critical voice, combined with your fear of disappointing your overbearing, demanding father, is causing you to lose faith in your fastball."

'My mother made me apply.'

"Hahahaha! Oh, you are hilarious! Help you with your math homework … hahahaha!"

Before birds and bees,

"This is humiliating. Couldn't you drop me a block from school?"

"Okay...seriously...it's nothing to worry about, Dad."

"My day? Don't even get me started!"

'No, the Patriot Act doesn't make it all right for you to read your sister's diary!'

'How many times have I told you to stop playing with that calculator?'

"It's my baby sister's. She leaked when we got her, and we've been trying to fix her ever since."

Promise me, Alex, that you'll find work in the fields or factories, and won't follow your father into the data mines.

"Ten more minutes of media manipulation, then it's off to bed."

"Dad, remember how you bungled the Lorton account?"

'Mummy said let it drop,there's a good boy..'

'Mom's really nervous because I've been good for too long.'

Cinema Certification, Suitable for kids, but will drive parents to distraction.

'I think I've just made a terrible mistake.'

'Why can't you try to be more like me?'

High expectations

"We learnt about the birds and bees today - apparently it's a bit like when you and daddy have it off."

"We started him signing at 6 months."

"We think it's important to meet the parents of our daughter's bad influences."