Parental Guidance Gifts

Before birds and bees,

'My mother made me apply.'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"Be afraid to try new things!"

Dummies for Dummies.

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

Exam Room.

Ask your mother computer.

"Better safe than sorry, son."

"Your inability to turn off your critical voice, combined with your fear of disappointing your overbearing, demanding father, is causing you to lose faith in your fastball."

'Obviously, the school board is giving an unfair advantage to gifted students.'

"Hahahaha! Oh, you are hilarious! Help you with your math homework … hahahaha!"

'Soon he will stop asking where he came from and start telling you where he is going.'

'Please turn it down - Daddy's trying to do your homework.'

"This is humiliating. Couldn't you drop me a block from school?"

A Victorian park.

"And don't take that tone with me, mister!"

"My day? Don't even get me started!"

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

'No, the Patriot Act doesn't make it all right for you to read your sister's diary!'

'How many times have I told you to stop playing with that calculator?'

"Okay...seriously...it's nothing to worry about, Dad."

"Ten more minutes of media manipulation, then it's off to bed."

Cinema Certification, Suitable for kids, but will drive parents to distraction.

"Dad, remember how you bungled the Lorton account?"

"I'm just looking for something to take the edge off before I give the kids the 'Don't Do Drugs' talk."

'Mummy said let it drop,there's a good boy..'

'Why can't you try to be more like me?'