Parental Guidance Pillows

Before birds and bees,

'My mother made me apply.'

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"Be afraid to try new things!"

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

Dummies for Dummies.

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

Soccer Moms

Exam Room.

Ask your mother computer.

"Better safe than sorry, son."

'I'm getting a little concerned about Timmy. He hasn't wormed his way out of anything all semester.'

'Obviously, the school board is giving an unfair advantage to gifted students.'

"Your inability to turn off your critical voice, combined with your fear of disappointing your overbearing, demanding father, is causing you to lose faith in your fastball."

'Soon he will stop asking where he came from and start telling you where he is going.'

"Hahahaha! Oh, you are hilarious! Help you with your math homework … hahahaha!"

'Please turn it down - Daddy's trying to do your homework.'

"This is humiliating. Couldn't you drop me a block from school?"

"Okay...seriously...it's nothing to worry about, Dad."

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

A Victorian park.

"And don't take that tone with me, mister!"

"My day? Don't even get me started!"

'No, the Patriot Act doesn't make it all right for you to read your sister's diary!'

'How many times have I told you to stop playing with that calculator?'

Promise me, Alex, that you'll find work in the fields or factories, and won't follow your father into the data mines.

"Aaack! How did an unscheduled hour get on your calendar? This will not look good on your college application."

"Ten more minutes of media manipulation, then it's off to bed."

'Mummy said let it drop,there's a good boy..'

"Dad, remember how you bungled the Lorton account?"

Cinema Certification, Suitable for kids, but will drive parents to distraction.

"I'm just looking for something to take the edge off before I give the kids the 'Don't Do Drugs' talk."

'Why can't you try to be more like me?'