Parental Chuckle Pillows

'It's half past November, young man! Get back into your room and hibernate!'

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"Use your inside scream."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

"When do I get my phone call"

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

'Beats me why, but it's a sensitive subject: Some people will call you a Buffalo while others will call you a Bison...'

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

"No. I have the baby."

Your CV is rather thin...

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

"And Billy will have the Stomach Stable-Buster."

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

The baby's really been moving round today.

Caution Slippery When Wet.

'I see the kids have 'broken-up' for the school holidays!'

"Mommie!"

Our poor daughter doesn't have a prom date. Mo-om! I'm going with a group, of friends. No one "dates." Then I don't need a shotgun? Da-ad! I'll never get a boyfriend! Good. I heard that.

"My parents sent back all my stuff that came from China."

"Admit it - You only had me for the free tech support."

'A young boxer'.

"It took me a long time, daddy, but I think I've wiped that smirk off my face now!"

'That's when he tries to sound like Pavorotti. Now here's how he sounds when he hits his finger with a hammer...'

"It's worse than you think, doctor - his dad's supper is in there."