Parental Chuckler Pillows

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Use your inside scream."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

"When do I get my phone call"

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

"No. I have the baby."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

'You kids stop your bleating or I'll give you something to bleat about.'

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

"No, Ted, there's no way I'm going to put up with you working at home. You're a demolition man!"

'Bless you!'

'It's half past November, young man! Get back into your room and hibernate!'

'I see the kids have 'broken-up' for the school holidays!'

"You kids think Tea Tree oil grows on trees?? Tea trees?? Well, you're wrong!! It's extracted from the leaves of trees in the family myrtaceae, bred in the plantations of New South Wales!!!"