Parental Chuckler Pillows

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Use your inside scream."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

"When do I get my phone call"

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

"No. I have the baby."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

'You kids stop your bleating or I'll give you something to bleat about.'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"No, Ted, there's no way I'm going to put up with you working at home. You're a demolition man!"

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

The baby's really been moving round today.

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

'Bless you!'

'It's half past November, young man! Get back into your room and hibernate!'

'I see the kids have 'broken-up' for the school holidays!'

Our poor daughter doesn't have a prom date. Mo-om! I'm going with a group, of friends. No one "dates." Then I don't need a shotgun? Da-ad! I'll never get a boyfriend! Good. I heard that.