Laughing Parent Pillows

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

Can you believe we're old enough to have kids taking sex-ed? No! Thank heavens they have a curriculum with all the choices. Although

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"Use your inside scream."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'Now, all I need is a bird.'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

"When do I get my phone call"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

Mobile Phone Mobile.

'How are the quadruplets?'

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

Our Yuppie Dad

Mix up on the maternity ward.

'A grass box for the children is a wonderful idea.'

Your CV is rather thin...

"And Billy will have the Stomach Stable-Buster."