Laugh-out-loud Parent Pillows

"Mommie!"

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"Use your inside scream."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

'Now, all I need is a bird.'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

"When do I get my phone call"

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

'How are the quadruplets?'

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

Mobile Phone Mobile.

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

Our Yuppie Dad

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

'Come on. You've been nursing that pint for hours!'

'A grass box for the children is a wonderful idea.'

"And Billy will have the Stomach Stable-Buster."

"Those D's are misleading."