Parent With A Humorous Side Pillows

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

'I must be going through a mid-life crisis.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

The inventor of the Slip 'n Slide becomes a father.

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

'Now, all I need is a bird.'

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

Time for sports camp, Teddy. Let's go! Unghhh � I thought you hated all the sports craziness. Summer camps avoid the worst problems. I forget. Parent's aren't allowed. Heaven on earth.

'Good book?'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"You stop it, now!"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

"My kid said his first two words and you know what he said; 'I'll sue.'."

'Before you return Principal Harris's phone call, I would like to remind you that having a 'living' dependant is an excellent tax deduction.'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

Mobile Phone Mobile.

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

Our Yuppie Dad

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'