Parent Chuckler Pillows

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Use your inside scream."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

"When do I get my phone call"

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'Beats me why, but it's a sensitive subject: Some people will call you a Buffalo while others will call you a Bison...'

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

Our Yuppie Dad

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

The baby's really been moving round today.

"It's the kids! Quick! Stash the cigs!"

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

"No. I have the baby."

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

'And Rachel, if you're not back by midnight, this video of you taking a bath in our kitchen sink when you were 2 is getting posted on Youtube.'

"Sorry darling, but if Dad has put his blinkers on and is reading the newspaper, it means he doesn't want to be disturbed..."

'I see the kids have 'broken-up' for the school holidays!'

"Mommie!"

'It's half past November, young man! Get back into your room and hibernate!'

Caution Slippery When Wet.

Our poor daughter doesn't have a prom date. Mo-om! I'm going with a group, of friends. No one "dates." Then I don't need a shotgun? Da-ad! I'll never get a boyfriend! Good. I heard that.

I brought two #1 pencils.

"My parents sent back all my stuff that came from China."