Modern Parent Chucklers Pillows

"Hey! That's not Roger. It's his avatar."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Use your inside scream."

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Mom, I need a push.'

"I'm trying to make them look less scary."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"I'll leave the door open and the hallway light on, but you're much too old to need an attorney in your room."

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

"When do I get my phone call"

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'For a brief time I held the world record for the youngest person on earth.'

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

"Mum.... I need to poo."

Our Yuppie Dad

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

Honest, D-D-Dad. My homework's "in the cloud."

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

"It's the kids! Quick! Stash the cigs!"

'You kids stop your bleating or I'll give you something to bleat about.'

We're too late - He's already watching Youtube potty training tutorials.

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

'And Rachel, if you're not back by midnight, this video of you taking a bath in our kitchen sink when you were 2 is getting posted on Youtube.'

"Sorry darling, but if Dad has put his blinkers on and is reading the newspaper, it means he doesn't want to be disturbed..."

"According to this, we just keep it alive until it can take care of itself—between seventeen and forty-five years."

'I see the kids have 'broken-up' for the school holidays!'

'It's half past November, young man! Get back into your room and hibernate!'

Our poor daughter doesn't have a prom date. Mo-om! I'm going with a group, of friends. No one "dates." Then I don't need a shotgun? Da-ad! I'll never get a boyfriend! Good. I heard that.