Parental Authority Enthusiast Pillows

"You just wait tilll your father gets home!!"

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Unto thee shall pass the executive laser pointer. Take this authority and delegate it.

Growth Charts

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Stop saying 'You're the boss' I KNOW I'm the boss!

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

"What's on my schedule today, Fred?"

Your Message on Your T-Shirt: 'Do As You Are Told!'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Crying baby

Baby, baby maker

Early childhood development

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"Be afraid to try new things!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"My first Father's day!"

Judge, jury and executioner.

"I like to keep things simple."

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

'The only exercise I believe in is the exercise of power.'

"Ouch. . . Aaaargh!!. . . Stop it!. . . "

Husband and Child in Pram

Mother: 'He has your eyes.'