Parental Authority Enthusiast Gifts

"You just wait tilll your father gets home!!"

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Unto thee shall pass the executive laser pointer. Take this authority and delegate it.

Growth Charts

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Stop saying 'You're the boss' I KNOW I'm the boss!

"What's on my schedule today, Fred?"

Your Message on Your T-Shirt: 'Do As You Are Told!'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"Be afraid to try new things!"

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Crying baby

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Early childhood development

Baby, baby maker

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

"My first Father's day!"

Judge, jury and executioner.

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"I like to keep things simple."

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

"Ouch. . . Aaaargh!!. . . Stop it!. . . "

'The only exercise I believe in is the exercise of power.'

Parenting magazines.

Mother: 'He has your eyes.'