Parental Wisdom Enthusiast Pillows

The world's #1 motivational speaker

'Said once, and never again!'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

Growth Charts

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

I love my family!

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Crying baby

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Early childhood development

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

7 Dwarves of Fatherhood

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

Lemming mothers

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"My first Father's day!"

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

"Ouch. . . Aaaargh!!. . . Stop it!. . . "

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

Dad waiting for baby to be born.

Husband and Child in Pram

Mother: 'He has your eyes.'