Palmistry Ponderer Gifts

'According to your love line, I should be calling a cop right now!'

"You have a long life line... and where DO you get your nails done?"

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

Waiting for Pants

'At least I don't have his life.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"All I take anymore is mushrooms for my anxiety, ketamine for my depression, and ibuprofen for the goblins constantly eating my feet."

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

"I appreciate you have a real passion for music Mr Hibberd. . . but I can see you're going to struggle with the piano."

Why not get God's fax number, and just fax him my prayer?

'Jerry, The Hermans take the same pharmaceuticals we do!'

Tracey Emin's Bed

God answers what He thought were worldwide prayers for peas.

Guy on island sees giant ship in bottle.

'Do you ever worry about our global footprint?'

"NO I DON'T THINK YOU NEED LEGAL REPRESENTATION WHEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS."

Various Birds of Pray.

Palm Reading

'That line means good managerial skills!'

'You forgot you list of possible side-effects.'

"Hey, way to go! You invented both the disease AND the cure!"

'Let me know if these weight-loss pills actually work.'

'Ignore that, my pen leaked...'

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

"Yes I can read palms and if you don't remove yours from my thigh, you'll be reading my palm with your face!"

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"We need a product that works like aspirin, but is a lot more expensive to buy."

'Will this make me feel as happy as the people in the commercial?'

'Will I run for President, you ask? H-m-m-m...let's see what the ol' 'Palm' reading predicts!'

'No, we wouldn't want to ask God's blessing on something evil, but carrots aren't evil.'

'Another one. Do you realize that will make the third time this month we've held a fire drill?'

'Any side effects of these sleeping pills?'

'Well, YOU call it bad penmanship, I call it encryption.'

"Each night Lily said her prayers... As the fleas and gnats do bite and gnaw my skin, so shall the worms eat and consume me, in the dirt and dust of the Lord's earth. Amen. And each night her prayers freaked her parents out."