Painkiller Enthusiast Gifts

"I'd kill for 500 milligrams of naproxen."

"Our psychopharmacologist is a genius."

"Look on the bright side – the Rogaine worked!"

'It's a beautiful lighthouse. However, hauling the batteries up the stairs has taken its toll on my back.'

"I understand they've uncovered some weird new side effects since you were here last."

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

'...the side effects of this designer drug are more beneficial than it's intended use!'

"We've managed to cut down the 16 pills you're taking to just one!"

August, 1897 - Arthur Eichengrun invents aspirin.

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

Meds Toast

'Your tooth still sensitive to hot liquids my dear?'

'I've got an appointment with Mr. Payne.' - 'He'll see you now.' - 'Okay, take a deep br-' - 'Gah!' - 'Great, now turn ov-' - 'Argh!' - 'And a final tw-' - 'Mummy!' - '*Sob*' - 'Okay, all done.' - 'Did you, by any chance...' - '...hear you crying...'

'Someone's here who'd like you to spend 30 days on an island with 1,000 doctors and some pain pills.'

'Here are our hot new drugs for fall.'

"I don't prescribe opioids, but feel free to grab a CBD-laced lollipop on your way out."

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'North Korea and Iran want nukes... Palestinians elect Hamas... and now a commercial from a leading anti-anxiety medication....'

'That's Saint Throbbold. Patron saint of migraine.'

"The sleeping pills take time to work. Don't expect results overnight."

"So I guess this probably counts as an adverse event."

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

"Can we cut down his tranquilisers please?"

"Would you like to supersize that?"

'I have stomach cramps.' - 'Oh.' - 'It feels like a cat raking its claws down the inside of my stomach.' - 'Oh.' - 'Raking in a good way or a bad way?' -

Standup Pharmacist

"Just call me...Mr. Saturday Night!"

"This pill is the only thing that will cure you. The good news is that it's up to you whether or not you take it orally."

You take'm through the nose, you pay through the nose.

"We came up with a pill that cures everything...but I'm warning you, it's gonna be expensive."