Packaging Pundit Gifts

Package advice: "Can only help reduce weight by not actually eating it."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

Packaging Russian Dolls

Quality Control

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Giant merger.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"Take the severance package, Hayward. The rest of the board wanted a ritual slaying."

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Sales Research shows it's too big for them to carry home, sir.

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Just wait! Someday you'll be old and corrugated!'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'