Postal Pundit Gifts

"Check it out!"

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Giant merger.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

"Take the severance package, Hayward. The rest of the board wanted a ritual slaying."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Wussapalooka

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

Siegfried Sassoon

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Literary Dogs.

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

Ben Okri

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

Poetry Journal. Any good submissions over the internet? No -- Just the usual bloggerel.

Insufficient Postage

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'