Postal Pundit Gifts

"Check it out!"

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Giant merger.

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Take the severance package, Hayward. The rest of the board wanted a ritual slaying."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Literary Dogs.

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

Ben Okri

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

Insufficient Postage

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'