Parcel Pundit Gifts

"Today our panel will be discussing the distinguishing characteristics between the UPS and FedEx truck, and the appropriate corresponding overreaction."

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'We finally do have meaningful tax reform, sir. This year's form is printed on recycled paper.'

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Editor. Short. Sweet.

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Trays 'IN' 'OUT' and 'Don't ask'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"It can cut through anything ... well, almost anything. There still is governmental red tape."

"I can see you're concerned about the amount of medication you're taking. Let me see if I can give you something for that."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Cat Delivery

Nostalgia: 'In one era..out the other'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Captain Pointy No.21 - Hate mail

Attention Span Remaining: 3 minutes, 27 seconds.

"No this is your contract. The other one's your bill