Parcel Pundit Mugs

"Today our panel will be discussing the distinguishing characteristics between the UPS and FedEx truck, and the appropriate corresponding overreaction."

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

Eldrow

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

Mister Bundles VS. The Martians - Part Seven

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'We finally do have meaningful tax reform, sir. This year's form is printed on recycled paper.'

Editor. Short. Sweet.

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Trays 'IN' 'OUT' and 'Don't ask'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

Cat Delivery

Nostalgia: 'In one era..out the other'

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"I can see you're concerned about the amount of medication you're taking. Let me see if I can give you something for that."

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"It can cut through anything ... well, almost anything. There still is governmental red tape."

Captain Pointy No.21 - Hate mail

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Attention Span Remaining: 3 minutes, 27 seconds.