Paper Pundit Gifts

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Let me tell you, Kittles, after a hard day's work there's nothing I like better than to sit in my favorite chair, eat leftover Chinese food, grade 72 math tests and read 50 English papers."

The muse for letters to the editor.

'Correction,Dear- it's OUR newspaper!'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

In the Guru District

They're Not Just That Into It

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

CEO du Jour

Difference of Opinion

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

Where does it all end up?

"Whoever made Keir Starmer did a sound professional job."

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'I look forward to a bigger and bolder vision in my 2nd term.'

Library - Political Science section - 'What to do until the spin doctor comes'

"Mom, I'm bored. Do you know something I can get hysterical and panicky about?"

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

Obama Healthcare.

"As I see it, 'Crazy politics' - like not voting on a supreme court nominee - is better than a complete government shutdown."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."