Publishing Pundit Gifts

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'That won't do James! As my student, you need to make me a co-author and cite at least two of my papers in every one of your publications!'

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"Sorry, I guess your publisher stopped believing in you...."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

The struggling novelist.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

In the Guru District

They're Not Just That Into It

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

CEO du Jour

Difference of Opinion

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"Whoever made Keir Starmer did a sound professional job."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."