Press Punditry Gifts

'Mirror, mirror on the wall...who is the jammiest of them all?'

Quality Control

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Official Rhetoric About Leakers and Whistleblowers, Translated

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

New Dross, Same as the Old Dross

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Voice of the GOP

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"We're TV pundits debating the issues."

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'

"None of this news seems 'fit to print' to me!"

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'The Pope has decided to issue another apology for not issuing an apology.'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'