Postcode Pundit Gifts

"....Sir, it's not out problem if you live at the wrong address!"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Eldrow

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The Wi-Fi password is publish 'publish or perish'."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Half-Price Haircut and Half-Cut Price Hair.

"It drives me MAD when people act as though we've nothing to do except write moronic memorandum."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

'You drink like a fish.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'My first drink since my accident.'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

Computer password.

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

'I got tattoos of all my passwords.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

Literary Dogs.

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

"I swear, Eddie, you ought to be on with Bill Moyers."