Process Pundit Gifts

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

Quality Control

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"It drives me MAD when people act as though we've nothing to do except write moronic memorandum."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Rush Limbaugh

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"Look, Earl. . . It's a young person Republican! They do exist!"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."