Procedure Pundit Gifts

"To suggest that the government has nothing to do but persecute workers with trivial targets is absurd..." "We also have to write dozens of pointless procedures and meaningless memos..." "And these pathetic protocols didn't write themselves."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

Quality Control

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"It drives me MAD when people act as though we've nothing to do except write moronic memorandum."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

Official Rhetoric About Leakers and Whistleblowers, Translated

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Rush Limbaugh

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

Updated Proverbs. We come into the world with nothing. And leave deeply in debt!

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51