Procedure Pundit Pillows

"To suggest that the government has nothing to do but persecute workers with trivial targets is absurd..." "We also have to write dozens of pointless procedures and meaningless memos..." "And these pathetic protocols didn't write themselves."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

Quality Control

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"It drives me MAD when people act as though we've nothing to do except write moronic memorandum."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51