Old Married Couple Gifts

"I'm ready to go whenever you're through fussing with tablescapes."

"The containment dome only muffled him."

"Have more wine. You'll want your taste-buds as numb as possible."

"Just so you know, you were my third-round draft pick."

"You like it? It's a mood ring - my husband gave it to me as part of his early warning system."

"Harold still has all the moves...he just forgot how to use them."

"I figured, better the devil you know."

"Unfortunately, solar panels don't energize EVERYTHING."

Dead Silence: a restaurant for married people

'Are you avoiding me, Charles?'

"Man it's freezing tonight - I can't feel my toes and my fingers are numb!"

"You used to look at me like that."

"My husband's been on eBay all day. When I get home I think I'll lower the price."

"There, but for the wrath of my wife, go I."

"I can't join you guys till this list of New Year's resolutions gets approved by my wife."

"I imagine you're keen to catch up with your late husband?"

"My wife - is she still staring at me?"

"Can you hold a moment? I've asked you before not to donate my organs till after I'm dead."

"He was hit with a wave of ambition and is resting till it passes.

"Not you, idiot, the dog."

"I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure she remains your wife even if the rest of your identity was stolen."

"I felt a disturbance in the Force. Were you about to contradict me?"

"It's hard to believe now of course, but he was always impeccably groomed before we got married..."

"Ever notice that you finish my sentences and. . ."

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

'Instant? I remember when we were young and you made karma from scratch.'

"And, furthermore, if you think for one damn minute I'm going to put up with your lousy shenanigans..."

"I took your vitamins."

Dentures and foot kissing

hoovering husband

"Fleetwood Mac still looks good on you."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'Dave, why did we marry?' 'You wanted part of the paper.'

"Maybe you don't remember why we don't have sex anymore.... but I do!"

'There's a four letter word for what we do in bed -R-E-A-D.'