Long-married Couple Gifts

"It doesn't get any more low-maintenance than this!"

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

His Her Cakes

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

Sulk Shows

'Choose, Fenster

"Wish I could do that." "Better give him a dog treat and a bath first."

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"Get a tomb!"

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'