Old Couple Gifts

'Mustn't grumble' (Woman thinks 'Ha!')

'I was a stowaway on his cargo ship, and the rest is history.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

His Her Cakes

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

Sulk Shows

"Get a tomb!"

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"Wish I could do that." "Better give him a dog treat and a bath first."

'Choose, Fenster

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'