Middle-aged Couple Gifts

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

'Look, can't you take it in turns to do the daily Sudoku?'

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

"Somehow, on you it doesn't look shaved—it just looks bald."

"Exactly what type of hormone replacement therapy are you taking?"

Sale. We need something that will meet our growing backsides.

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"I was attracted to his 'come to bed eyes', but over the years they've become 'go to sleep eyes'."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

His Her Cakes

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"Get a tomb!"

'Choose, Fenster

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!