Longtime Partner Gifts

I'm finishing my memoirs. There's a chapter about us. What us? There was never any us. It's just a memoir. I have some artistic license. Do you want to be my wife or just my doting longtime girlfriend? Some people can't stand seeing their lives in print.

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"Ooooooh, just what I wanted!"

Reading the sports pages.

"Want to deal with some unresolved issues or just get another movie."

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

"I'll bet there's a story there."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

"Wasn't I lovely then eh, Tiddles?"

'Silly thing, of course I still find you repulsive.'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'Listen Mabel, you are 70, I am 75 and we have known each other since junior school. It's pure wishful thinking on your part if you claim I am 'grooming' you...'

"It's chirp, chirp, chirp time again, isn't it?"

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"We should never have committed binary fission!"

"Yes, you've taught me a thing or two - but over twenty-plus years that's not much."

"Are you still mad at me?" "Mentally I'm storming off right now."

"I hunt, she gathers, but we always get together for cocktails at five."

"We've been married 32 years. How can you possibly still be in beta?"

"Martin, did we ever get our freak on?"

"Of course you don't look anything like your reflection in the mirror."

'I feel like I just don't know you anymore, Richard!'

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

Dead Silence: a restaurant for married people

Assisted Living.

"There ya go. Cushion rot from farting into the same old chair for 40 years"

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

"Synchronized sitting"

"Have you noticed how blatant sex is everywhere in the culture but here?"