Office Irony Gifts

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

Bo're'droom

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Being the boss's yes-man used to be easier. Now you also have to 'like' him on facebook, follow him on Twitter, link with him on linked-in...'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'The sunglasses idea would have worked if you hadn't started snoring.'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

"Who called this meeting again?"

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."