Office Irony Lover Gifts

'Mind you, I'm not responsible for the entire pipeline ?' just the section that flows through my office.'

"Relax, we're cutting people, not perks."

dog-come ingo out boxes

"I really don't want kids, but my dad insists on me carrying on our family's long history of nepotism."

'I'm not necessarily looking for a yes man...nodding is fine.'

'Here's a certificate you don't have yet.'

'The facts speak for themselves: My opinion however is in the accompanying letter with your redundancy package.'

"I want you to treat this for what it is, Miss Garlands, a dirty weekend and not a step up the promotion ladder!"

'I hear you don't like letting people go.'

"Simplified application form? . . . This IS the simplified application form!"

"Out of red ink. Go figure."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'