Workplace Irony Enthusiast Gifts

'Your experience is nil, qualifications lacking, references horrible, and you fulfill MY need for job security perfectly...YOU'RE HIRED!'

"Think hard. Is there anything that could have happened during the lunch hour that could have caused your not being allowed back in the building?"

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'Of course, I'm an equal-opportunity employer... I hire yes women and yes men!'

"The man who took over your duties just quit. They want you to come in right now and make coffee."

"Steiner filed a grievance. Bump him up to no. 1 on the layoff list!"

"You're my star employee of the week for last week."

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"Simplified application form? . . . This IS the simplified application form!"

'I knew if we waited long enough, heaven would downsize.'

Whack-a-mole CEO.

BEWARE OF THE DOG!; 'So much for management's pledge to bargain in good faith.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

'Mr. Donovan, is it all right if I tie my shoelace?'

"I missed your last few words. Would you please mumble them again?"

In trays read: Bluff/Blink.

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

"Wait a minute! I don’t ignore the concerns of my employees! I listen to them, I discuss with them... and then I ignore them."

"You have a grossly exagerrated view of your own importance. You'll make an excellent department head."

"We're able to use you, Crampton… everything but the 'oink'."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'All work and no play may make you dull, but it also makes you Vice President.'

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

"I need you to look at the big picture, Boswell. Not the little one of my trophy wife."

Maybe next tiime you'll hand in the risk assessment on time

"The water for your fishbowl was approved, but it looks like for now you're not getting the fish."

'Yes Sir, I am at this very minute passing on your recommendations for staff wage cuts to the appropriate department'

'Yes, Mr Gurkinsky is the lawyer who specializes in advocating employees who are endangered of getting fired because of staying away from work for too long... unfortunately, I haven't seen Mr Gurkinsky for about three weeks...'

dog-come ingo out boxes

"Do you have any idea what it's like to be underappreciated by your boss?"

"It's the latest directive from senior management about how to run a 'paperless office'!"

"He's just come back from a 'managing stress' course...He learnt all sorts of strategies for dealing with pressure...maybe he could show us some of them if he ever wakes up."

'You remember Mr. Horton? You know, the one you said to give the 'clean desk' award to? -- you fired him three years ago.'