Workplace Irony Aficionado Gifts

110% Job Performance.

"You handled that boring, thankless job so well I've decided to give you another one."

'Can you believe it? A young punk like me laying off an old coot like you?'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"Simplified application form? . . . This IS the simplified application form!"

'I knew if we waited long enough, heaven would downsize.'

Whack-a-mole CEO.

BEWARE OF THE DOG!; 'So much for management's pledge to bargain in good faith.'

"Here's a manual of our rules and a CD that covers our unwritten rules.

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

'Mr. Donovan, is it all right if I tie my shoelace?'

In trays read: Bluff/Blink.

"I missed your last few words. Would you please mumble them again?"

"Welcome aboard, Thompson. Brono here will lay out the itinerary."

"I don't mind out of control spending as long as it's on stuff I like."

"We're able to use you, Crampton… everything but the 'oink'."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"The boss said this meeting's about taking us back to our origins!"

'All work and no play may make you dull, but it also makes you Vice President.'

"I need you to look at the big picture, Boswell. Not the little one of my trophy wife."

"Wait a minute! I don’t ignore the concerns of my employees! I listen to them, I discuss with them... and then I ignore them."

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"You have a grossly exagerrated view of your own importance. You'll make an excellent department head."

Maybe next tiime you'll hand in the risk assessment on time

"The water for your fishbowl was approved, but it looks like for now you're not getting the fish."

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

'Yes Sir, I am at this very minute passing on your recommendations for staff wage cuts to the appropriate department'

"May I introduce Mr Thorogood from Steadfast Consultancy. If you have any problems in your departments, he's the one to blame."

The Continuing Adventures of Mel Hufnagel, Corporate Head-Hunter...

'Yes, Mr Gurkinsky is the lawyer who specializes in advocating employees who are endangered of getting fired because of staying away from work for too long... unfortunately, I haven't seen Mr Gurkinsky for about three weeks...'

'You remember Mr. Horton? You know, the one you said to give the 'clean desk' award to? -- you fired him three years ago.'

dog-come ingo out boxes

"He's just come back from a 'managing stress' course...He learnt all sorts of strategies for dealing with pressure...maybe he could show us some of them if he ever wakes up."