Office Irony Pillows

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Bo're'droom

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

'The sunglasses idea would have worked if you hadn't started snoring.'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

"Who called this meeting again?"

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'