Office Diagnostician Gifts

'Now we know how many administrators it takes to change a lightbulb.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"The camera is mounted on your desk for a reason. There's been some paperclips missing, and we think you're the culprit."

"I'm afraid that you have gnumonia."

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'We don't have anyone here by that name. Was he perhaps using one of his aliases?'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'Harlow, do you wnat to be part of the problem or part of the coverup?'

"Find out who put a 100 dollar bill in the suggestion box. This person has potential!"

Bedside Manna.

'The first test was false-positive, the second test was false-negative. What are you trying to pull?'

John Snow

'Well my inner diagnostician thinks your inner diagnostician is completely off the wall.'

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

'I diagnosed you with THAT? Whoa! You patients really need to be more involved with your healthcare!'

"It appears you have medication forgetfulness disorder, which, as you can imagine, is untreatable."

"Dogs can detect cancer, and mice can detect tuberculosis."

'I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...'

Doctor getting ready to give lady an injection...

"It seems all doctors agree with you, but I'd still like to get a 15th opinion."

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'... No, I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now. Today's his prior authorization day.'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

Tunnel of Anxiety

"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"

Yes, I do think second opinions can be worthwhile, but not from 'Evonica, All-Knowing Mystical Seer and Soothsayer'!

"It appears the pain is caused by your acupuncture treatments."