Occasional Comedian Pillows

Father reveal party

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Sock Puppet in Literature

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'She'll never look for me here.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

Infinity Tavern

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

The Female Brain and The Other One

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

Canoeing Incorrectly

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Monet At Open Mic Night

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

Modern Charm

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"It's for his shakes."