Casual Humorist Pillows

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'Counting you and the outpouring of comments on facebook, that makes three.'

'I've lost faith in my doctor. My pharmacist can read his prescriptions.'

"A first-class stamp, please. Something casual."

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"If I wanted to hear about family values I'd go home."

'Now you mention it, Sandra, you do seem a bit judgmental sometimes.'

'You see, they are supposed to hit the white ball into that little hole over there.' - 'Why?'

'My legs are broken - go get help!'

"This was the best school day of the week!"

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Football Chameleon

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'She'll never look for me here.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

Infinity Tavern

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"It's amazing! There's even a place to put your beer!"

Murphy bed...Murphy.

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'This one is for not intervening in countries that don't threaten us.'

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"It's for his shakes."

"Don't worry. These rosés are still fresh."

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.