Casual Comedian Pillows

'Volunteer?! I thought you said come over and bring the beer!'

"I don't belong to an organized religion. My religious beliefs are way too disorganized."

"Oh, sure, I remember him. He was quiet, mostly kept to himself, paid the rent on time. You know, we were only married for sixteen years."

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Company wargames weekend 1986.'

"If anyone wants me, I'll be out photobombing the tourists."

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

"Hey. Nobody gives me *&$# and get's away with it."

A toast to America. . . Or, make a toast of your own.

"The blood donation is nearly complete. Just a little clot remaining."

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."

"So. . . I hear your dog's called 'Rolex'. . . ?"

Instant Cash Machine: Choose Your Own Transaction Sign-Off

#1 reason to never buy an orange jumpsuit.

'If he's incredibly gregarious, then he's fine.'

"The neighbors are fighting outside. Wanna watch that instead?"

'Yes of course he can borrow my lawn mower just as long as he only uses it in my garden...'

'Was it your idea to have it catered?'

'Take no notice of her! Next time just fetch my slippers!'

'Who wants to play celebrity rant?'

'She'll never look for me here.'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'You go on home, Dear -- I'm going to be tied up for awhile.'

A Bruce of Australians

'Oh, just crafting lies I never even have to tell...'

Infinity Tavern

Dog wees in a buskers cap.

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.

'Take it for stress. It helps to laugh at yourself.'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."