Casual Jokester Pillows

'I wouldn't say I'm apathetic, I just don't give a hoot.'

"My shirt is off."

"Have you heard about the procrastinator's club? I'm thinking about joining it one of these days."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'She'll never look for me here.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

The Female Brain and The Other One

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

Men dancing

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."