Everyday Humorist Pillows

Man can't open the plastic packaging of his plastic cutter.

Life bingo

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"You can put me on hold, Ted, but I can't guarantee I'll be here when you get back."

Be right back. I left the house wine on the counter.

'No. I thought it was the marathon, but it's just a fast moving queue.'

"Now where did I park my car?"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

How it started: How it's going

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

Modern Charm

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Oldies.

Steak Lovers.

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

Rocket charmer.

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

'I'm bored.'

"You must cut down on your smoking."

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."