Occasional Humorist Pillows

'Can't you see I am having lunch!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The Eggsorcist"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

The Female Brain and The Other One

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.