Occasional Humorist Gifts

'Can't you see I am having lunch!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"The Eggsorcist"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

The Female Brain and The Other One

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"They'd sold out of #1's."

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."