Chronic Humorist Gifts

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Football Chameleon

"I said slime."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Wait, has thou brought snacks?"

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'