Classic Humorist Gifts

'Who ordered the caesar salad?'

"Sure, we were dysfunctional, but, by God, we were royal."

"OK, high jinks - if I plead guilty to high jinks how much time do I get?"

My mind is like a steel trap, it's just a bit rusty.

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

'Coffee, doughnuts, cigarettes'

"Condense this down to a series of memes and we'll take another look at it."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

Vlad the Impala

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

Mount Olympus Brewery. Those might be dangerous to open. They're Pandora's Bocks.

"There's only one 'L' in colosseum."

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"You're stealing from the rich and selling it to the poor on Craigslist?"

Stonehenge Explained

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'I like the history professor but I think he's mired in the past.'

'Sorry guys... budget cuts !'

"After grad school, and before joining Wall Street, I decided to travel a bit."

Great Moments in Computing #192: Newton discovers the computer.

"'Tis the story of a woeful refugee... ...whose plight has been forgotten. An admirable, amiable sort is he... but boy is he downtrodden. With courage of the kind you rarely see, he defended this land, when Redcoats invaded over land and sea, peck their knees and hands. And how did America repay this debt it owed its forest bird? Did you put our noble visage on the national seal as we would have preferred? No... You ate us. Just like the British did. I really think that it's the least you can do

"The Taco is good on the trail but where do I put the drink?"

After the gun ban, the guys still liked to go out and horse around on weekends.

Whistler's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandson