Chronological Comedian Gifts

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

Bicycle sat nav.

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

Mountain bikes and molehill bikes.

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'Bront?saurus.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"Can you sign this copy I downloaded off the internet?"

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

Monet At Open Mic Night

Modern Charm

Beep' 'beep' 'beep' 'beep'' - 'Slam!' - 'Great... another long week of pain and humiliation ahead...' - ''Click'' - 'God, Ilove my job.' - '' -

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

"When I asked you to read a book, I didn't mean Facebook."

Things Women Never Say: 'Sorry I'm late boss. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn't stop listening.'

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

'Sure elephants never forget. You can't even remember how to ride a bicycle.'

65. Whenever I'm in the mood to watch the rest of the world go by, I simply keep to the legal speed limit.

The Last of the Passenger Pigeons

Metrocard error messages

"He can't tell his left from his right."

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

La Tour 2007.

"Condense this down to a series of memes and we'll take another look at it."

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

Concerto for Two Horns