Chronology Comedian Gifts

"Oops! Sorry! Clocks forward, clocks back, immigration,migration. . . I never know whether I'm coming or going!"

"Please! No harmonizing during ululations!"

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

'You realize, of course, there's a seven-day waiting period.'

Bicycle sat nav.

Mountain bikes and molehill bikes.

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

"At least, everybody's agreed about the next summit's name!"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

" ... and if we finish pillaging early enough, we can still catch the evening Zumba class on the after deck."

Icebergs talk about CNN appearance and looking thin on TV.

Have you hugged your money today?

Ransom Library. Oh, that's just Henry … He's a history buff. Wild West.

Cuts, Measurements, Certain, Sloppy

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

"Mum? are you sure thers's such thing as global warming, coz I'm bloody freezing."

'Who turned up the thermostat?'

"Venice! What will climate change think of next?"

W.C.Fields

'The mountains were too cold for me you see, so I thought: People lost in the desert could need my skills too...'

"The Armour seems okay, it must be a touch of rheumatism."

US Winter Weather Map.

"Have you noticed, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF?"

M&S goes green - Carbon Neutralising Underpants.

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

"He can't tell his left from his right."

Now that we've invented language and bipedalism, we can do stand-up comedy!

Keister Island

La Tour 2007.

Welcome to the North Pole

'Sure elephants never forget. You can't even remember how to ride a bicycle.'

Carrying a bike over drawing pins.

'We've only cut our CO2 emissions to piss off the utilities companies.'